So, this is new to me but I need an outlet. I live in a city where I have no friends. I have co-workers that I talk to, two in particular that I am fairly close with, but no friends outside of work. It gets very lonely at times.
I moved to this city with a guy I was dating at the time. The relationship did not work out but I had a good job so I stuck around. Not long later, I met a wonderful guy and our relationship blossomed. We really seemed to hit it off right off the bat. We were engaged 11 months after meeting for the first time and were married 5 months after getting engaged. So here we are 1 year, 8 months, and 1 day post nuptials and I am home alone with the waterworks flowing. What happened? Trust. Broken again.
I don't know what to do. I have been through this with him before and I find myself in the same position yet again. I want to trust him, but every time I do and I give in further and further to that trust, I seem to just get my heart broken harder.
This time, what happened...I was cleaning house the other day and picked up his phone. In the process I activated the screen and saw an app notification "POF: 9 new matches for December". Stupidly my mind drew a blank as to what POF was and I asked him about it. Of course his answer is basically "nothing, just an app, why are you looking at my phone"; is there any better guilty response? I gave the phone back and went back to cleaning feeling very burdened. Finally it dawned on me...Plenty of Fish! Why is my husband using a dating app on his phone? He claims he was bored at work and a co-worker (who was looking to find someone) was talking to him about it, so he downloaded it and they looked through it together. OK half way believable, until I ask another question or two and his irritation level escalates. Another guilty bell ringing. He admits to chatting with some girls on there but never to meeting or trying to meet them.
I looked at the profile that he had on there (it has since been hidden or deleted) and the profile states that he is married, is "Looking to meet a cute in shape lady to have some part time fun with. Not looking to change my status at all and not looking to be with someone to pay their bills. Let's hang out and see what's up..." Really? That completely verifies the line of shit he just fed me. NOT.
I don't understand what his problem is. He told me a few weeks ago (after going out with some friends) that he is so glad he has me, there's no one better out there. He constantly tells me that I take care of him better than anyone ever has. I know that I am not the complete "freak" (sex) that he would like, but I am not a complete bore either. He makes comments about having trouble "keeping up with my needs", why does he need to find it somewhere else then? Why make a supposedly lifetime commitment with me if you are just going to continuously go behind my back in search of some snatch on the side? Does every man on earth do everything that he can to have his cake and eat it to?
Even more than having my heart broken yet again over his inability to not look for what's on the other side of the fence, the fact that I was seriously wanting to pursue having a baby with him hurts me more than I know how to relate.
My sister recently gave birth to her first baby. Out of 4 kids, this leaves me as the only one without a child. I have never been completely set on whether or not I wanted to have kids, but after being with her when he was born and talking with my husband about possibilities (his suggestion), I really thought that it would be great. I finally bought into the idea of not being selfish about my time, life, and body and wanted for a bit to see what a little offspring of me would be like. This makes me feel like my heart has been double broken. I am "older" for having a baby, but not too old. He has 2 already (teenagers) and would have to have a reversal to make this happen, but I really had it in my heart.
If he can't keep from straying from me now...what would it be like after having my body stretched and marked up from pregnancy and possibly vaginal childbirth?
I really just wish there was a way for me to have the fairytale marriage that I bought into growing up.
Being an adult just seems to be a continual cycle of let-downs. I am so tired of the let-downs.
I am less than two years in...is now the time to throw in the towel on this marriage? It is my first. I know that marriage is hard work, but I am also beginning to really believe that people don't change. How much of my happiness do I need to dump before deciding to move my heart to where it is safe from getting re-broken?
